Discernment

It was a month ago that I told the Council here at the church that I would be ending my contract with the congregation in January. Yep, I joined “the big quit” or “the great resignation” of 2021.

It was not an easy decision, nor one made in haste. In fact, it was made in anything but haste. It was months of discernment, prayer, reflection and angst. As I considered what I wanted to say in this post I looked up the definition of discernment. The first definition is “the ability to judge well”. Well, that sort of applies, but the second definition is the one I have in mind when I use the word discernment. It is, “in Christian contexts, discernment is the perception in the absence of judgement with a view to obtaining spiritual guidance and understanding”.

The funny thing about discernment is the sneaky way it invades all of life. When one opens themselves to an attitude of discernment, anything and everything becomes fodder for reflection. An offhand comment someone makes becomes a point to mull over and pray about as a possible hint from the Spirit. An unexpected change of plans becomes a potential sign from God to shift course. Seriously, it can make one a little crazy to always be on alert for signs, and reading into every nuance, to determine if it is the Spirit invading with a message that only I can see or understand.

There is a saying I have applied to most of my life, “If you want to make God laugh, tell God your plans.” Or, as Barbara Brown-Taylor once said, “I have usually ended up where I am because my five-year plan didn’t work out.” Throughout my life I have not had a five-year plan, or a ten-year plan … or at least not one that ever came about as planned. My main plan in life was to be a minister. I saw it as a vocation and a calling, not as an occupation or a job. Oh, I believe I did my job, but it was in the context of it being a vocation not employment.

Even though I did not have a locked-down plan, I was not whimsical! I always had something in place when I made a move – I knew where I was going before I left where I was. I also have had the very good fortune to pretty much love every place I have worked. That meant that discernment to leave one place and go to another always required a lot of soul work.

This time, because I am not moving from this work to something specific, because my next work is, as yet, unknown, I have chafed at the automatic assumption that I am retiring. I am quick to point out that I am not retiring but that I am shifting gears and looking for something else. I must admit it has made me curious as to why people need to place my decision into a category or some sort. If I am leaving I can’t just be resigning, I must be retiring. Now hear me out, I am not against retiring but it smacks of ageism to me. People look at me, see my gray hair, my wrinkles, know my era, and assume I am retiring. Hmmm, I guess my next discernment is about why I have such resistance to the notion of retirement. Or, at the very least, to the assumptions that people make about others even when they don’t fit.

What’s next for me? Well, my common response is, ‘I know God has a plan for me, she just hasn’t told me what it is yet. I am keeping all my doors and windows open for the Spirit to blow in.” I am also dusting off my resume to get it ready for whatever might spark my interest.

The impulse to leave emerges for many reasons. Sometimes it is just time to go. That is what the Spirit told me in my discernment and I am at complete peace with my decision.