There is not a day goes by that I do not think of my beloved Carl. His memory infuses everything I do. From places in our house, spots in our garden, to the vague memories that filter into my dreams, his presence is always close.
Today marks four years since he passed. It was mid morning when he breathed his last and the sorrow of that final parting still causes my heart to break a little. His decline was over several years and his last two weeks were filled with pain. Remembering and reflecting on the hard road he walked causes tears to spring to my eyes just by thinking of it.
I am not one to dwell in the past. I do not hang on to what was. I do not live with ghosts. But I do treasure memories and October 13th is a day on my calendar that never passes without a veil of melancholy and a touch of grief.
Today a few friends have sent emails, texts and notes remembering Carl. Remembering his kindness, his commitment to caring for the environment, his love of hiking and fishing and canoeing. I am also remembering his compassion for, and love of family, and his deep commitment to justice and fair play – oh, and following the rules! He was a stickler for rules and how things ‘should’ be.
In one of the emails today my friend sent this quote, attributed to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”
My life has moved on, as lives do, but I carry with me the love and affection of someone who understood me like no one else ever has or ever will. I balance my grief with my deep gratitude that God blessed my life with a person who changed me for the better in so many ways. I miss him. I cherish his memory. I move forward.
Beautiful heartfelt sentiments – I know from similar experience. However, I believe that we do not move “forward”, but indeed we do move. Sometimes left, then right then back left again. We zig, we zag, we do mini circles, we spring up and we fall to our knees and we will not end up exactly where we were because that path is one of no return. We wish time would roll back for just one more soft word, kiss, embrace – it does not. The best option is to pay all these actions forward to those near and far. Never our first choice but not a shabby second one in that we all reap some real benefits in real time.
Very true Sheila. A good and helpful perspective. Thank you.
Thank you Nancy and Sheila for your thoughtful sharing.
There is wisdom and helpful perspective in what you say.
Gracias💐
Cheryl
As always, beautifully written Nancy. Thank you for sharing.
Eleanor
Thinking of you today and you have given me strength to deal with the possibility of losing my long time partner in life if that is what happens. I had prayed that I would be first to pass on, not knowing how I could handle the loss. But now you have given me the strength to go on if what happened to you happens to me. I know that others will take comfort in your words and I know it is NOT all about me! We must carry on and look after others.